Caged by my own Body

Have you ever felt like you're too small to possibly contain yourself?

I feel like that today. I don't know exactly what I feel, but my miniature 5'2" frame seems ridiculously small to contain it all. I want to go outside, in the forest, in nature, to sing and dance and be.

But as usual, the task of living gets in the way and I'm stuck inside (it's rainy anyway, and I have no way of getting to some decent nature — I blame the government) failing to work on my project.

It's a good project, about the importance of forests and urban green spaces. They're good for all sorts of things, improving mood and self-esteem, creativity, problem solving, alleviating mental health problems, calming, relaxing, reducing stress. They even make your more likely to exercise better and longer.

And there's this cool little fact about a bacterium called m.vaccae, also known as an "old friend", that could reduce asthma, allergies and depression, and it's found in soil. So every time you go for a walk in the woods, or a dig in your garden, you're getting a dose of this magic super-bacterium and making your life better.

So get out there into nature (and take me with you)! It's bluebell time.

Hyperbole and a Half

So I was playing a game on the internet, as you do. Superbetter, it's called. And it pointed me to an interesting blog I had come across before and forgotten about, Hyperbole and a Half. And this inspired me to start my own blog.

Forgive me, it's been a long time since I've practiced writing, and it might take me a while to get good again (case in point). I'm not even sure what this blog's going to be about, but I promise you I do some interesting things. Bizarrely, I don't always find them interesting. At least, not as interesting as other people seem to tell me they should be. I think this is the reason Hyperbole and a Half seems so meaningful to me personally. Although I've never been diagnosed with depression, I understand what is being said.

My life seems to be a constant struggle of trying to stop myself from sinking, frantically bailing water, rowing, and trying to steer all at once. Primarily on my own. Sometimes I even find myself throwing lifebelts to other people who seem to be drowning faster than me, and who lack the buckets to bail out the water with.

Here's my current list of activities:

• Revision (how the earth works, and how animals respond)
• Report introduction on trees (1000 words is a hilariously small amount for this topic)
• Training to trek a mountain (I'm Asthmatic for ****'s sake! Remind me why I'm doing this again?)
• £2950 fundraising (linked to the above, for Epilepsy Society. Donate Here.)
• Organising 2 events, 2 street collections, and a sweepstakes (for above)
• Getting ready for a holiday to Bristol (and staving off guilt about the fact I'm flying within my own country)
• Work (selling computers gets old...)
• Acting as press & publicity officer to York Student Co-operative
• Saving the planet, and
• Living.

I have this crazy notion, see, that if I keep busy I won't notice how difficult things are. It works pretty well. Except now it's Easter and my neatly organised life has devolved into a mess of keeping family and boyfriend happy, having no money, mess, half-finished projects, still not having unpacked a week later, more mess, and GETTING NO BLOODY WORK DONE. That last one is particularly relevant today. 

"I'd better do some work." — Exercises instead.

"I'd better do some work." — Watches TV and plays on Facebook.

"I'd better do some work." — Takes money to the bank and goes shopping.

"I'd better do some work." — Makes food.

"I'd better do some work." — Gets angry with Facebook

"I'd better do some work." — Writes a blog.

Work is not happening today.